icufish

During each segment of each day we were asked to turn to the person sitting next to us to share things about ourselves and what we were taking out of all this new information we were learning. We would talk about how we could see these things and the way they effected our lives.

On day 2 I was sitting next to a young woman, Jessica. Jessica was also one of the people I exchanged reasons for coming to the class, on the first break of day 1. So during the first segment and again during the 2nd on day 2, Jessica and I turned and faced each other (along with the rest of the class turning to their "neighbors".) and really took a good look at not only what brought us to the class but how the information we were learning could be applied to our behaviors in life to this point. It was a powerful experience meeting Jessica. We could relate on a high level because we both had faced similar challenges in all of our relationships. Neither of us ever wanting to disappoint our loved ones but also never following through with any of our commitments to them or more importantly to ourselves. I guess it was powerful on many levels for me. I realized that I wasn't so alone in the universe for one. And I also realized the power of just opening up and really sharing myself with another person...(A stranger even..Yikes!) Not trying to hide behind some nice guy facade, I was really able to be real about who I had been for most of my life. She shared with me who she really was and you could almost see both of us growing as people in real time... in minutes. Taking responsibility for who we were and really creating a possibility of being proud of ourselves and who we want to be.

Okay, here is something I should have probably touched on before... Will, the class leader did not have any answers. Will was there to teach us our automated response systems. More importantly to teach us to recognize them for what they are. In fact.. not only did he not have answers for the class but he actually just asked a lot of questions. All the answers that I and the rest of the class found, we found within ourselves for ourselves. I am not sure if that makes tons of sense but I can say it makes for a unique and powerful learning experience.

Such sidebars....

By the end of day 2 I had some perspective. I was super excited about getting back for day 3.

Day 3 started by going over the previous nights homework assignment. We were trying to identify our "strong suits". Strong suits are ways we decide we need to be to survive at crucial moments of our lives. Everyone has 3 strong suits. 1 is decided when we are very young 3-5 yrs old. 1 when we are 12-14 and the last when we are becoming adults 18-22. I was a little discouraged because I was unable to really understand or discover any on mine by the time we started class on Day 3. A lot of people were getting up in front of the class (of about 135 people) and sharing their strong suits and the situations in their lives when they were decided. I could see how powerful making these personal discoveries was for the people sharing. I mean when you make a decision when you are 4 yrs old about how you need to live your life and then without failure live out every situation and relationship by what a disgruntled 4 yr old decided... Yikes..AmIRight? I could sense some freedom for these people. They were making personal discoveries and were able to see that they could choose who they wanted to be, rather then just unconsciously being what a 4 yrs old version of themselves had decided long ago.

On the first break I promptly headed out to my car and immediately screwed an American Spirit into my face. I sat there thinking for a few minutes and recalled a time when I was around 4 yrs old. My mother walked my brother Tony who was 3, our new puppy (Champ) and I to the park to play early one day. As soon as the big wooden structure at the park was in sight Tony and I ran as fast as we could. I was bigger and stronger then little brother so naturally I got there faster then he did. I climbed up the slide and right to the top compartment of the big structure... Excited, I turned around to claim victory when I saw panic in my mother eyes. I looked down and Tony was on his knees in front of the slide with his face in his hands and red was rushing through his fingers. He had split his face from about his temple to his chin and needed more stitches then any 3 yr old should ever need. My mother ordered my shirt off and without hesitation it was around my brothers head. As she carried him home and zipped him off to the doctor my little brain made some decisions that stuck with me for most of my life.

I decided that being a victim was an amazing way to get desired attention. Feeling so helpless in that situation seeing my panicked mom and injured brother, I also decided that it was my job to fix anyone in my path who was experiencing any sort of pain and if I couldn't then the situation just didn't exist. I became very manipulative based on these decisions. Obviously they weren't conscious decisions and I am not proud, it's just what happen.

As day 3 went on, I realized that my past was meaningless as far as my present and future are concerned. I also realized that any fear that I have or had was just me being afraid of me. It was the truest sense of the word freedom I have ever felt.

I am not exactly sure how to conclude this.. I can tell you this. I realized a few years ago that I was doing things in relationships with all of the people in my life that I was very ashamed of but I didn't have any sense of what to do about it. I was convinced that being overly nice, a victim and someone who constantly needed reassurance and approval from those around me was just who I was. As much as I was able to see those things I couldn't find any answers. So I isolated myself form the most important people in my life. I was ashamed.

Since the Landmark Forum I have reconnected with old friends. I have accepted responsibility for my actions with them and with my family. I have really just shared myself with anyone who cares and the results of that are absolutely incredible. I have started a new relationship with an amazing woman, from a real and honest place... without fear. I have also taken on a leadership position in a seminar I am attending and next week i will be sharing my time so that others may find a little sense of the freedom that I have found.

I always look forward, good luck

I woke up Friday morning anxious... Clearly that meant I had to be somewhere. Obligation hasn't been my thing for as long as I can remember. This has caused problems with every relationship I have ever had, be it friends, family or with significant others. I have often committed to things I never intended on following through with to avoid having to disappoint people to their face. Because the universe knows that if I was to disappoint someone how could I be worth loving? So, the routine has always been a wishy-washy commitment and being out of sight so I didn't have to see my disappointed people.

I was on my way to a class my brother had me sign up for to help me deal with my fear of obligation. As well as a few other things.. I have always been a bit of an approval seeker and overly nice to a fault. Putting myself in many situations where I end up being takin' advantage of. Or over extending my personal needs to avoid making others feel bad. I was aware all of these things existed in me but I honestly had no clue what I could do to change.

So I arrived (on time for once in my life) to the Landmark Education Center in Livonia MI @ 9am. I was hopeful and open to learning some tools that might help me become a person I was proud of. Before our first break around 11:30am we were given an assignment to accomplish on the break. We were told to introduce ourselves to 3 people we had never met before and share with them why we were there....

So I went out and exchanged stories with a few people and found that people were there for all sorts of reason... They wanted to fix relationships, learn to communicate better and overall everyone just was hoping to find a little more happiness. It was nice breaking the ice with a few people over a couple cigarettes. After the break and for the rest of the day, we began learning about our automated response systems. Pretty fascinating stuff... We learned the possibility of seeing through our filters that we begin creating from a very young age. Nonetheless Day 1 (13hrs, the first 3 days are all 13hr days, ugh...) left me feeling frustrated. I took in a lot of different elements on the way our brains naturally process information and honestly it was the beginning of relearning how to take in the world, 1 moment at a time. Anyway, it was hard to see how all of it was going to come together and I am not built for 9am-10pm period!

Saturday-Day 2. On very little sleep I managed to make it to class early. Even though I experienced a bit of frustration on Day 1,I remained hopeful. Pretty much right out of the gate things started to come together for me. I was beginning to see how to apply this information into my own life and watched one of my classmates have this incredible breakthrough, shortly before the first break. She was in a terrible situation where her husband was divorcing her seemingly out of nowhere. Just one day up and left her with 2 young kids. Not only did he just leave without warning, he moved in with a female co-worker, ouch. You can imagine how angry, resentful and sad she was feeling. She started off blaming her husband for her emotional state and rightfully so. Within 15 minutes she was able to break down her filters and accept responsibility for her happiness. I realize there is noway I am eloquent enough to paint this picture but watching her swing from one set of emotions to almost giddy, when she was able to see her roll in her own life and the realization that she and she only had the power of changing that. Well it was inspirational.. It really helped me to jump in with both feet and really take as much out of the experience of Landmark as I possibly could.

I am going to end this entry here as it is getting pretty long. I will post on the rest of day 2, day3 and my new life since completing this course in a day or two.

I found poker when I was 18 working at Ruby Tuesday’s as a waiter. Some of the guys would gather 1 day a week to play dealers choice games including: 7 card stud, Follow the Queen, Blind Baseball and Acey Ducey. We played other games like Hold ‘em with wild cards and a game called Balls. Needless to say I was hooked. I was winning regularly and @ 18 the extra money was nice even if was only $40-$80 a wk. on avg. This lasted for a couple years and we started playing at least twice a week at some point in there.

When Moneymaker won the WSOP ME in 2003 my close friends started to get into poker more. We started playing $5 SNG’s (Sit n go’s) in my parents basement. Well wait, actually, we started playing some crazy brand of limit hold ‘em because NL seemed so intimidating. Our betting rounds went as follows: 1st bet was 25 cents. The next raise could be 50 cents more (75 cents total). The third bet was 75 cents on top and capped there, for a total of a $1.50 per round. On the river we could bet up to $5 max, and we played with 25 cent antes, no blinds. None of us understood what blinds were and, apparently, we were too lazy to look into it further. After all, it wasn’t really about the money it was just a way for us to compete, and we all loved to play.

After a summer of that BS… We decided we wanted to play tournaments. We didn’t really understand or think of the concept that in NL cash you could only play what was on the table. I mean none of us had ever played NL cash and never been to play at a casino. So we (I) thought that at anytime people could go into their pockets and bet any amount at any time. This is why it was so intimidating and we played that crazy limit game. Anyway, we starting playing $5 NL SNG’s in the basement. It went from once a week to twice to eventually anytime we could get enough guys together to have a game, we would. We were all caught up in the poker… and it’s all any of us wanted to do.

At this point I was still winning but it was nothing more then a hobby.

After a while a couple of my friends starting playing on Party Poker. I was of course interested and decided to join the fun. I would stick $50 dollars in my account and play $5 or $10 SNG’s and once my account reached $100 I would cash out my original investment. I was still a full time waiter and had no concept of building a bankroll. I was just having fun and making a few extra bucks here and there. This went on for a couple years until I discovered MTT’s (multi table tournaments). I absolutely loved the idea that I could spend $5-$50 on one MTT and possibly win a few thousand dollars. Unfortunately, I was still waiting tables and had my own apartment. I wasn’t able to use as much money for poker. I loved poker enough that I would play tons of Party Poker free roles. Anytime I would make a few bucks i would head straight for some MTT’s with the occasional few hundred dollar score that would be immediately withdrawn and spent on food, bills and fun. I would of course leave a few bucks on with hopes of winning more but usually just found myself free rolling again in no time.

Once, I won $4.83 in a free roll. I took that money to the black jack table and won a couple hands so I had enough to sit at a $.10/.25 table. I doubled up a couple times and decided I would play 2 $10 SNG’s… I won them both. So obviously I withdrew $50 and with the other $50 I played one Friday special satellite and a $20 SNG. Well I won the satellite and called into work so I could play in the tournament. I placed 9th for $3400+ that was huge. I had never even had $3000 to my name. I cashed out $3000 and with $400 in my poker account I thought I was such a baller. I decided at that point that I had some skill and I loved the game so much I ought to start reading and to take it a little more seriously.

I started reading the boards at pocketfives.com and found that I could see some of the top players in the world giving advice on how to play in situations. I just tried to soak in as much knowledge as possible without having to ask a single question.

My game started to improve.

I went to Full Tilt after Party closed down and was pretty successful there right off the bat. I was able to string together some really nice scores in May of 2007 and decided I had worked my last shift as a waiter and that I was going to jump right into poker full time as an MTT/SNG pro.

I had some bumps in the road when variance reared it’s ugly head for the first time and decided to find backing. I couldn’t emotionally or financially handle the swings. Since then I haven’t looked back. I have started networking and become friends with some great poker minds who have all helped me improve my game greatly. I would list them but i don’t want to forget anyone…. You know who you are and I can’t thank you enough.

Hey everyone, I’m out in Vegas for a few weeks playing some live games. I’ll fill you in when I get back home. In the mean time I wanted to let you know that I have a new site where I’ve brought in all of the resources I use to get news about the poker world and I thought I’d let you know about it. Check out pokernews.icufish.com

Let me know what you think of it. Any other resources you like that you think we should bring in?

While the last 2 months of 2008 were basically a disaster poker-wise, I have started out on the right foot in 2009!!

On Jan. 1st I played a late night session and made a final table, nothing remarkable but i was happy overall with my play. I got 8th place in the Big Double A for a small score… Not even enough to cover my nights buyins but I felt like I was making good decisions and seeing “blue lights” again definetly was needed for my confidence.

The next session I played was a few days later on Sunday. Again I felt like I made good decisions all day and managed to cash enough to cover my buyins… Sunday is easily my most volume filled day where i generally play 20+ mtt’s. No finals, but I will take a break even Sunday.

On Monday I played a fun night schedule that included the 1k on FTP. I was able to cash in 4/8 mtt’s with a Final in the 65k $150 on FTP. I only managed 7th place but with a $280 seat to the 1k and a 14th place finish in the big event I was up around 5k for the night. Again just felt great about my desicion making and felt like I did everything I could.

Yesterday, Wed. is where things get exciting! I made it through the disgustingly talented field that is the 6max 100r 100k guarantee for 2nd place and my 2nd best score of $20,783!!!!!! Congrats to jagz7 who owned the final table and won the event for over $32,000. I think tomorrow I will plug my hand history into pokerxfactor and post the link here. All of your thoughts on my play are welcomed as I am always trying to improve.

The main thing that got me out of this slump was a continued positive outlook. There were days where “running bad” got the best of me and I probably didn’t play my A game. But for the most part, I just took more time off and knew as long as I keep watching videos, keep asking players who’s games i respect a lot for advice in situations, keep reading forums, keep my head up and believe “I will win today”… I knew that I would crawl out of it…………… Things I did not do… I didn’t bitch to friends about my misfortune, I didn’t send (not even one) negative HH to spread that poison to other players. I didn’t sulk.

I still have plenty of work to do, to be the player I want to become.

Good luck on the tables, -Jason

New Orleans was an absolute blast!

I only made noise in one of the four events that I played. I placed 9th in my first live final table in a 1k or bigger buy in. It was the 1k event @ Harrah’s. I had been playing a super agressive game for pretty much the entire tournament. I was able to build a pretty large stack before losing a couple huge flips just before the Final table.

I had the pleasure of meeting a few guys that I play agaisnt regularly… inc DannyMac31, LockdownTex (exxplicit), thechemist83, truesyalose, Arron_Hacker, bazeman, thedestroyer and stuman123. All of them were super nice people and it was cool to discuss hands and stratagie with them.

Experiencing a new city and making new friends are two of my favorite things in life… so even though I didn’t profit it was definitely a great experience!

I am headed to New Orleans this week on Thursday to play a few of these events. Starting with a $500 NL on Friday, on Saturday I will be playing in the $1k event and Sunday I am playing the $5k main event.

I am super excited to test my live skills once again especially since I enjoy playing live more then online.

Also I will be rooming with DannyMac31 and LockdownTex. Two guys who are not only nice people but are sick poker players and it will be a great opportunity to learn from these gentlemen.

I will try and post updates while I am in NO. on my progress in each tournament.

Until then… Good Luck

This month was the most volume I have ever played since I started playing poker. It is also the biggest downswing I have ever had to stomach. I am sure that the two go hand in hand. I have just burnt myself out… With FTOPS early in the month and then me uping my regular schedule from 6 MTT’s to 10-12 tables at a time and really not taking any days off, has been a recipie for failure all around.

At first when things started going sour at the tables ( bubbling FT’s and money bubbles ) it was just negative variance that we all go through. But I have been playing everyday and a ton on each day and the mistakes that I should never make are starting to add up. Calling off all my chips or making some hero 4 bet when I am at or near a FT.. turns into just flat out giving money away.

A break is in order…..

Not for long, just a few days to get my head straight. For the last year or so I have been really good about taking a couple days a week off and on days I play, only playing one session, where I play a block of tournaments that all start within 2-3 hrs of eachother. Obviously I have fallen off of that in the last few weeks and clearly it’s time to get back to that type of schedule.

Not only has it been bad for my game to play 7 days a week 12 hrs a day but it’s been bad on my social life (or lack there of) as well. I have completely isolated myself the last few weeks and flaked on other commitments (bowling league and have basically ignored friends who have reached out to name a couple), so it’s no wonder my game has gone to shit. Living like that is super unhealthy. I am just glad I can recognize this and make sure i get back on the right track.

See you guys on the tables next weekend. Until then, goodluck

-Jason

unfortunetly I run bad sometimes.. this was terribly played by my opponent and I couldn’t have asked for a better spot, just unlucky

Full Tilt Poker Game #8975359223: $50,000 Guarantee (66427811), Table 29 – 1200/2400 Ante 300 – No Limit Hold’em – 19:33:48 ET – 2008/11/14
Seat 1: Pghfan987 (71,921)
Seat 2: -BuaBua- (29,350)
Seat 3: stiltwalker2007 (154,617)
Seat 4: EpicFail (170,278)
Seat 6: crouts (50,120)
Seat 7: D1rtyR1v3r (99,339)
Seat 8: icudonk (44,725)
Seat 9: 1Mastermind (51,083)
Pghfan987 antes 300
-BuaBua- antes 300
stiltwalker2007 antes 300
EpicFail antes 300
crouts antes 300
D1rtyR1v3r antes 300
icudonk antes 300
1Mastermind antes 300
-BuaBua- posts the small blind of 1,200
stiltwalker2007 posts the big blind of 2,400
The button is in seat #1
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to icudonk [Ah Kc]
EpicFail folds
crouts raises to 6,000
D1rtyR1v3r folds
icudonk raises to 19,925
1Mastermind folds
Pghfan987 folds
-BuaBua- folds
stiltwalker2007 folds
crouts calls 13,925
*** FLOP *** [Jh 7h 8h]
crouts checks
icudonk bets 24,500, and is all in
crouts calls 24,500
icudonk shows [Ah Kc]
crouts shows [Qh Kh]
*** TURN *** [Jh 7h 8h] [4c]
*** RIVER *** [Jh 7h 8h 4c] [5d]
icudonk shows Ace King high
crouts shows a flush, King high
crouts wins the pot (94,850) with a flush, King high
icudonk stands up
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 94,850 | Rake 0
Board: [Jh 7h 8h 4c 5d]
Seat 1: Pghfan987 (button) folded before the Flop
Seat 2: -BuaBua- (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: stiltwalker2007 (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 4: EpicFail folded before the Flop
Seat 6: crouts showed [Qh Kh] and won (94,850) with a flush, King high
Seat 7: D1rtyR1v3r folded before the Flop
Seat 8: icudonk showed [Ah Kc] and lost with Ace King high
Seat 9: 1Mastermind folded before the Flop

His call preflop to my 3 bad is pretty terrible becaseu he should know that I am always representing a big hand when i 3 bet half my chips and i am totally commited for the rest of my chips reguardless of the flop. Lucky for him he hit gin.. Was hoping to show off a win here… maybe next time

Thanks for reading, -Jason

We got a big double just before the break when we pick up KJ on our bb vs a sb raise

Full Tilt Poker Game #8975065422: $50,000 Guarantee (66427811), Table 29 – 1000/2000 Ante 250 – No Limit Hold’em – 19:15:06 ET – 2008/11/14
Seat 1: Pghfan987 (41,059)
Seat 2: SkinnyRick (39,990)
Seat 3: stiltwalker2007 (120,587)
Seat 4: EpicFail (65,698)
Seat 5: jneff24 (43,494)
Seat 6: crouts (48,260)
Seat 7: Anabooola (48,985)
Seat 8: icudonk (28,160)
Seat 9: CThib (21,137)
Pghfan987 antes 250
SkinnyRick antes 250
stiltwalker2007 antes 250
EpicFail antes 250
jneff24 antes 250
crouts antes 250
Anabooola antes 250
icudonk antes 250
CThib antes 250
Anabooola posts the small blind of 1,000
icudonk posts the big blind of 2,000
The button is in seat #6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to icudonk [Jd Ks]
CThib folds
Pghfan987 folds
SkinnyRick folds
stiltwalker2007 folds
EpicFail folds
jneff24 folds
crouts folds
Anabooola raises to 5,200
icudonk raises to 27,910, and is all in
Anabooola calls 22,710
icudonk shows [Jd Ks]
Anabooola shows [Kh Tc]
*** FLOP *** [7c 5h 6c]
*** TURN *** [7c 5h 6c] [3s]
*** RIVER *** [7c 5h 6c 3s] [2s]
icudonk shows King Jack high
Anabooola shows King Ten high
icudonk wins the pot (58,070) with King Jack high
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 58,070 | Rake 0
Board: [7c 5h 6c 3s 2s]
Seat 1: Pghfan987 folded before the Flop
Seat 2: SkinnyRick folded before the Flop
Seat 3: stiltwalker2007 folded before the Flop
Seat 4: EpicFail folded before the Flop
Seat 5: jneff24 folded before the Flop
Seat 6: crouts (button) folded before the Flop
Seat 7: Anabooola (small blind) showed [Kh Tc] and lost with King Ten high
Seat 8: icudonk (big blind) showed [Jd Ks] and won (58,070) with King Jack high
Seat 9: CThib folded before the Flop

This is an easy reshove agsint an aggro opponent or any random in a blind vs blind situation.. our chip stack doens’t offer us any other line but to reshove all the money with KJ

We then pick up another nice pot again just before the break when this happend

Full Tilt Poker Game #8975123169: $50,000 Guarantee (66427811), Table 29 – 1000/2000 Ante 250 – No Limit Hold’em – 19:18:47 ET – 2008/11/14
Seat 1: Pghfan987 (59,196)
Seat 2: -BuaBua- (28,250)
Seat 3: stiltwalker2007 (72,327)
Seat 4: EpicFail (109,188)
Seat 5: jneff24 (42,244)
Seat 6: crouts (97,020)
Seat 7: Anabooola (19,825)
Seat 8: icudonk (61,070)
Pghfan987 antes 250
-BuaBua- antes 250
stiltwalker2007 antes 250
EpicFail antes 250
jneff24 antes 250
crouts antes 250
Anabooola antes 250
icudonk antes 250
stiltwalker2007 posts the small blind of 1,000
EpicFail posts the big blind of 2,000
The button is in seat #2
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to icudonk [Td Jh]
jneff24 folds
crouts folds
Anabooola folds
icudonk has 15 seconds left to act
icudonk raises to 4,895
Pghfan987 folds
-BuaBua- folds
stiltwalker2007 calls 3,895
EpicFail folds
*** FLOP *** [6h Tc 8c]
stiltwalker2007 bets 13,790
icudonk raises to 55,925, and is all in
stiltwalker2007 has 15 seconds left to act
stiltwalker2007 has requested TIME
stiltwalker2007 folds
Uncalled bet of 42,135 returned to icudonk
icudonk mucks
icudonk wins the pot (41,370)
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 41,370 | Rake 0
Board: [6h Tc 8c]
Seat 1: Pghfan987 folded before the Flop
Seat 2: -BuaBua- (button) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: stiltwalker2007 (small blind) folded on the Flop
Seat 4: EpicFail (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 5: jneff24 folded before the Flop
Seat 6: crouts folded before the Flop
Seat 7: Anabooola folded before the Flop
Seat 8: icudonk collected (41,370), mucked

We would usually tred with caution in a spot like this.. but this particular villian has been playing very fast and lose stealing a lot of pots preflop and after the flop. When he leads the size of the pot to me it screamed he wasn’t looking for action so it was easy to ship it in there and live with the results.

at the break we are currently sitting 6/30 already well in the money and 1st place is nearly $20k hopefully i can share some fun spots with you guys on the way and during the FT

1 time plz!